RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
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1. If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're not picking anything up.
2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
long you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your
eyes or your hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear
their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.
Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue,
so I propose a compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear
showing and your pants 10 sizes too big, but I will not object. However, in
order that your clothes do not, in fact come off the course of your date
with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers
securely in place to your waist.
4. It is usually understood in order for us to get to know each other, we
should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do
not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of
when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only
word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
5. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date
other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to
date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I
will make you cry.
6. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and
more than an hour goes by, do not sigh or fidget. If you want to be on time
for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her
makeup, a process that can take longer then painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing their, why don't you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my car?
7. The following places are NOT appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer then a wooden stool.
Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding
hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm
enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts,
or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -
zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are
to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games
are okay. Old folks homes are better.
8. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged,
dim-witted, has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am
all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
truth, nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and 5 acres behind
me. Don't trifle with me.
9. Be afraid. Be very afraid. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you
should exit the car with both hands plain in sight. Speak the perimeter
password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter
home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to
come inside. The camouflaged face in the window is mine.
10. Have fun
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